It was exactly one-week after my mom died, I sat in a restaurant with my husband of 15 years, Earl. I was distraught, still thinking of the sudden and unexpected death of my mom that just ripped through my heart. Earl and I were having a squabble, when he looked at me straight in the eye and said “I don’t know if I love you any more or not.

I was knocked to the floor. How could he do this to me while I was grieving my mom? I knew we were having problems, but why was he being so cruel? It was the last thing in the world that I needed or wanted to hear. Out of shock and anger, I replied with some “not so nice” words.

Through all of his faults, Earl was a man of his word. He married for better or for worse, and would never have taken the initial steps towards divorce.

For the next five years we lived together as man and wife – yet so distant. There is NOTHING Lonelier than being in a marriage where you feel unloved, unworthy and unappreciated.

During this period my dad, grandmother, brother and aunt died. In addition, Earls, brother was murdered, his grandmother and grandfather died and his father almost died of pneumonia and lung cancer.

Earl and I kept growing apart, yet I clinged to what was familiar to me. I knew how to act, when to say what and more importantly when and how to avoid his massive outbursts of anger which appeared to get worse every day. I had been with him since I was 16 years old, how in the world could I live without him?  If I left him, my parents were no longer around to help me, who would support me? More importantly, how would I support my children, because Earl constantly threatened to leave the kids and me penniless.

I began doing a lot of self-improvement. I read any and every book I could find including books on how to save my marriage. The more I tried, the farther he drifted. During this time, he said and did some horrendous things.
I finally decided to take the plunge and leave. It was the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I had never been completely on my own; I went from daddy’s house to Earl’s house. I was fortunate that I had the support of a few very good friends who encouraged me, even though I often felt that no one had been through what I was feeling and that no one truly understood. The separation and divorce was as amicable as one can be.

Four days after I left Earl, my son was in a car accident, I called Earl and was horrified at what he did. He came to the hospital, talked to my son for a few minutes and then gave him $20. And said, “Here, maybe your mom will get you something to eat on the way home.” We did not even have all the x-rays back, and did not have any final word on my son’s condition.
For weeks or months, I was fueled with anger at him for the way he treated my son, as well as all the past hurtful things he did. I was further enraged when he told me that getting a demotion at work, hurt him more than me leaving did.

Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks ….. I was allowing Earl to continuously hurt me and control my life because I was holding onto anger of the past. What did Earl care that I was angry? Did it affect his life? Of course, it did not. This anger was eating away at me, making me scream, making me cry, making me think life was unfair and making me want to strangle Earl’s neck. This affected my moods, my actions and feelings about myself.

I decided right then and there to “LET GO” of the anger. To let go of the “What Ifs” the “If Only’s” and the “Why’s”. I just Let everything go and accepted what is. I looked to the opportunities I had. I looked to how I wanted to shape my life. I looked to the newfound freedom I found. I embraced the fact that My Life is My Choice, and that by holding onto the anger was giving my choice away.

Fast-forward 15 years. Both my children are grown, living happy healthy productive lives. I am married to a wonderful man who treats with the utmost respect and love. I have a career that I love! Some of the journey has been rough but it has been worth it. Sign up for your “Life After Divorce” coaching session, and allow me give you the support you need in dealing with the roller-coaster of emotions felt during and after a divorce.

Read Jenna’s story of how she turned her life around after divorce.

My Mom - Pauline Bass - Age21

Wanted to wish ALL of you a Very Happy Mothers Day!!!

This article is dedicated to my Mom; Pauline Bass 3/21/23 – 3/22/92

I love her and miss her and am so grateful for her love, her kindness and her wisdom.  She was my inspiration!  She was my best friend.

If you have been with me, you’ve probably read some of the stories she used to tell me, such as “How Do You Perceive The World?”.

Mom loved poems and inspirational quotes.  Here are a couple that I found, and wanted to share them with you.

Your Mother Is Always With You
~Author Unknown

She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

She’s the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks.

She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.

She’s crystallized in every tear drop.

She’s the place you came from, your first home.

She’s the map you follow with every step that you take.

She’s your first love and your first heart break.

Nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space, not even death…

will ever separate you from your mother…

You carry her inside you heart!

Generations come and go … But, oh all the lessons passed down from mother to daughter to her daughter and on.  Here is a 4 generation picture taken on my first Mothers Day in 1980 … The baby is my daughter Amy, my mom is holding her, then there is my maternal grandma, Bessie and me – Cindy ….

Mother’s Love  ~Author Unknown

There are times when only a Mother’s love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappoints
And calm all of our fears.

There are times when only a Mother’s love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we’ve dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother’s faith
Can help us on life’s way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother’s heart and a Mother’s faith
And a Mother’s steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above.

To ALL Mothers, and Grandmothers, I’m wishing you a very Happy Mothers Day!!!

It always strikes me as somewhat odd, the way people will ask me how I forgave my father for all the harm he caused me. They don’t realize that forgiveness benefits me. It gives me the freedom to live my life the way I choose and not be chained down by the past child abuse I suffered.

Forgiveness has always come natural to me. I’ve always said that God gave me the gift of forgiveness so I would be able to share my stories and help others in need.

Another thing people don’t realize is that forgiveness isn’t needed for all aspects of my father’s personality.

I loved my dad. He spoiled me, took care of me, and always signed his name “Your Bear of a Father”. This was the father that needed NO forgiveness. He always had my best interest at heart. He was the one that always introduced me as “His Baby Girl”.

(Yup, thats My Dad in 1974. Look at that happy smiling friendly face … Who would have ever thought … that a monster hid underneath?)

Then there was this opposite side of my dad. This is the one that needed forgiveness. He was not a nice person. He called us names, and beat us. My brother Mike seemed to get the worst of the deal. There is a scapegoat in every family and Mike was it.

This isn’t to say that I was home free, I’ll never forget one night when I was 14, I wasn’t feeling good and was telling my mom I didn’t feel well enough to do the dishes. My dad came barging into the room and slapped me across the face so hard, that I went flying over the coffee table.

I managed to get up, in a tremendous amount of pain, went into the kitchen and began doing the dishes as I was crying. My mom walked in and asked me how hurt I was. I told her. She then told dad, to take me to the emergency room.

I’ll never forget the ride to the hospital. My dad stressed to me “Do not tell the doctor I hit you!” This was in 1974 when child abuse was not talked about. To me it was a normal way of life and I never would have thought of telling anyone.

It wound up that I had broken quite a few ribs. Good girl that I was, I said that I fell while playing outside.

Forgiveness didn’t really help my dad. He was the twisted mixed up person he was until he became very ill prior to his death. I often wonder what happened in his life to make him the way he was. Why did he choose to act the way he did?

Forgiveness didn’t come easily either. I don’t believe I totally forgave him until after his death.  I’d also like to mention that as he lay dying of cancer, he did ask me and my siblings for forgiveness.

When I tell people of my past – they often ask if my dad drank. The answer is NO. There was NO substance abuse whatsoever. I only saw my dad drink alcohol about 3 or 4 times in my entire life. He was just a very mixed up person.

Many people tend to link child abuse with substance abuse. Though they often go hand in hand, it does not mean that child abuse does not happen in so called “Good Homes” and it also does not mean that all children that reside with parents with substance abuse are abused.

If you suspect any child id being abused, please notify your local Child Protective Services agency.

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” Brian Tracy

Growing up, Mom always told me stories. Some of my favorite memories of her are her telling me stories and singing to me. A lot of the stories Mom told were motivational.

I have shared my favorite story from my Mom in the post

“Why are you the way you are?”

In Memory of my Brother, Michael Bass; 1955-2008
Remembering the Fun and the Good times – As well as the abuse we suffered.

An Abusive Father

Dad was not a very nice person. He never hit my mom and didn’t drink. He did however have a violent temper towards us kids. I could write a book about all the abuse my siblings and I suffered at his hands.

My brother Mike started drinking at age 14 to try to escape the emotional anguish. I turned to friends and my creative mindset. I wrote stories and daydreamed a lot. Mike and I could actually be the two siblings in “Why are you the way you are?”

Sadly, when you turn to alcohol, it makes it impossible to deal with the emotional anguish and get on with your life.

My brother was a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Sober he was the nicest person. He had loads of talent. He was a great singer, and could play musical instruments. He handcrafted beautiful wooden clocks, tables, picture frames and pen holders to name a few. He could also draw.

Drunk he was a selfish, loud and obnoxious … From about age 21 to 45 he spent most of his life in prison – for stupid crimes he committed while drunk.

Every time he went to jail or prison he became a trustee within a month because he was sober. He often called me crying, “I don’t deserve to be in here. I don’t remember doing it. I was drunk.”

I would reply, “You do deserve to be in there. You chose to take the first drink.”

A Reason to Stop Drinking?

My brother met the love of his life in 1999 – Linda. This was right after his last prison stint. He became a model parolee that was honored in the local paper. He had finally stopped drinking – not so much for himself but for Linda. I think for the first time in his life he not only felt needed – but felt accepted for who he truly was.

Linda died of cancer in August 2007. Mike went right back to drinking. He drank heavier than he ever had. Sadly, he drank himself to his death in March of 2008. After a two day drinking binge, he tried running across the freeway and got hit by a semi-truck.

Looking back, I see that Mike never took responsibility for his own life. He always justified his actions because “It was the booze”. He justified drinking by blaming the abuse he suffered as a child from Dad.

He stopped drinking for Linda – Not for himself.  Linda was his self-worth.

Why do people drink or take drugs?

Usually to stop the pain. Not physical pain, but the pain from all the hurtful things that have ever been done to them. Every single negative emotion they have ever felt keeps repeating in their minds over and over again.

Alcoholism is like a vicious circle. My brother really wanted to do good. He wanted to be loved, respected and understood. He drank to escape the pain he felt from believing he was a failure. He believed he failed my mom as a son. He believed he failed me as he didn’t “take care of his little sister.” He failed his son, that he didn’t get to see grow up.

Because he drowned his sorrows with alcohol, he never dealt with his childhood. He never dealt with his feelings. He never confronted our Dad. He never forgave our dad. Thus he was not able to free himself as the pain.

I myself confronted my Dad. I told my dad what I thought of the horrible things he did, like breaking my ribs when I was 14. Or leaving my brother Mike and I in the middle of Arizona desert because we were arguing in the car. He left us there for about 2 hours. That’s a very long time for an eight and twelve year old.

I also forgave my Dad. I don’t think I was able to totally forgive him until he died in August 2003. Funny thing though, I always knew my Dad loved me, regardless of the horrible things he did and said.

Am I making excuses for Mike?

I sure hope not. I understood him. I understood why he did what he did. I think he even understood why. Just because you understand something doesn’t make it right.

After my brother died, I struggled. I kept wondering if I could have done anything different, if I could have somehow prevented him from turning to the booze after Linda died. I believe this was a part of my grief. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could do nothing. This helped me to release the guilt I felt. I did not pour the alcohol down him. I never encouraged his drinking – nor did I hide it.

If you have a loved one that is an alcoholic, I suggest you give Al-Anon a try – Even if just for a few meetings. I know that Al-Anon helped my Mom cope.

If you have a drinking problem, check out AA -Alcoholics Anonymous. They understand and can help you gain control of your life.

I began writing this post about making excuses for our actions.  My brother was an expert at making excuses, and as I thought of him (maybe it’s because the last time I saw him was Thanksgiving of 2005) … Well, it became what you’ve just read.  If my brothers story helps just one person – then I am forever grateful I wrote it.

Be sure to read my next post “Stop Making Excuses and Learn to Live“

Grandparents are our past. Without them, we simply wouldn’t be.

They have a lifetime of experience and knowledge behind them. It’s amazing the simple life lessons you can learn – just by listening to them.

It’s truly a shame that in today’s fast paced world so many people don’t take the time to be with their grandparents.

So many children today don’t know how much fun grandparents can be.

I’d like to share with you the lesson Grandma taught me …

My Grandma Bader taught me the value of “It’s the thought that counts”.

Grandma always sent us a beautiful card for our birthday. It was very personalized .. “To my granddaughter (grandson, and even for my children she found great-grandchildren cards. It always amazes me the cards she picked out!). In the card she always enclosed a gift of $2.00

Now being a child I was thrilled with getting money! A few days before my 10th birthday, I was talking to Grandma on the phone. I asked her “Have you sent my $2.00 yet?”

Needless to say my Mom and Grandma weren’t very happy with me. Mom told me I wasn’t even going to get a card after being so rude. Mom told me that I should be thankful and happy that Grandma loved me enough to send a card.

A few days later I got a card in the mail – it was just an ordinary card that said “Happy Birthday”. It didn’t say to my granddaughter. It didn’t contain money. And worst of all it was just signed Grandma, not even “Love Grandma.”

I was heart-broken. I cried and cried for hours. I thought I lost Grandma’s love.

About two weeks after my birthday, I got the card, with the $2.00. The money didn’t matter to me. It was the card, it was the signature “Love Grandma”.

I spend many summers with Grandma growing up. She was always loving and kind – in her own stern way.

She was born in 1901 and seen a lot in her life!

She always kept her mind sharp by reading, doing puzzles, and helping out at her local Salvation Army.

She passed away in 1992. There’s not a day that goes by, that I don’t have loving thoughts of her. I was truly blessed!

(1980, My daughter, Mom, Grandma, Me)

Today is Grandparents Day!

Show your grandparents you care. Visit them, take them to dinner, give them a call! Most of all, make a habit of Loving your grandparents.

Besides your time the best give you can give them are personalized gifts – Like this beautiful God Created Grandmothers Afghan.

To ALL Grandparents – I’d like to wish a great BIG
“Happy Grandparents Day”

Depression is REAL.  It affects many people regardless of sex, race, or religion.  It doesn’t care if you’re living in poverty or in wealth.  It can affect any one in any walk of life.

I have been there.  After my hysterectomy at the young age of 30 I became a person I didn’t even know.

Nothing made me happy.

Everything made me angry.

I felt as if no one cared, as if no one was there for me.

I wondered what the purpose of life was – why did I even exist?

I was trying to work through these feelings of mistrust, inadequacy and lack of self when my mother suddenly died.  I was devastated.  I was suicidal – but I knew I had to be there for my children.  I didn’t want their father raising them alone.  I thought he was too strict and unable to give the kids the unconditional love they needed.

I continued to go to psychotherapy and talk out my problems and my feelings.

During this time, a good friend of ours was also depressed.  He was admitted to the VA psych ward and put on anti-depressants.

He continued to get worse.

He began beating his wife (he had never laid a hand on her the 20 years prior.)

He became more isolated and found no joy in anything or anyone.  All he talked about was dying – and he even knew how he would do it – he would jump off the bridge onto the 91 freeway.  Within months this was his reality.  It was a very sad day in June that he took his life.

At first I thought how brave he was to go through with his plan (remember I was pretty depressed myself.)  Now as I look back on these years, my thoughts have changed.  I wanted to get better – just as my friend did.  He didn’t really want his life to end; he wanted to end the pain – the isolation – the loneliness – the despair.

I never used any sort of drugs.  I was fortunate to have a psychologist who listened to me – and helped me to look at life in new ways.  I was also fortunate enough to have a friend, Liz, who could basically see what was inside my heart.  She allowed me to be me, to FEEL all the feelings I needed to feel to heal.

My psychologist told me to constantly repeat the Serenity Prayer….
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”

Note: The origins of the Serenity Prayer are unknown.  It has been traced as far back as the 14th century.  It is the prayer that AA adopted as its creed.

I believe that people often get depressed because of something they can not change.  Whether it is something about themselves or about another.

Depression just like happiness and any other feeling that we have begins as a thought.  This thought is a seed.  And when watered and nurtured the seed turns into a very large destructive feeling – Depression.

Click Here for more information on The Strangest Secret

To overcome depression, we must weed out our mind of the destructive thoughts and replace them with constructive thoughts.  It’s not really as easy as I may be making it sound …  It does take time and consistency.

When I began accepting things that I could not change, and began being grateful for the things that I did have, my depression began to lift.  It was a long struggle.  Listening to tapes on self esteem and letting go of your past, helped me tremendously.

If you have a loved one that you believe is depressed, please don’t tell them to “Snap out of it.”  That just makes it worse.  The best thing you can do is: 1) Compliment them when appropriate, 2), Listen to them, 3) Accept their feelings – don’t try to fix them or change them.  Try to help them find something in life that they enjoy.

If you are depressed, you may want to consider psychotherapy, before jumping into anti-depressants.  I honestly believe that many people stay down because the pills can’t change their way of thinking.  In today’s society we have been led to believe that taking this pill or that pill will fix everything…

DISCLAIMER:  Please note that this is just my opinion, and my story of how I overcame depression.  If you are under medical care – continue with whatever drugs or therapy your physician has prescribed for you.

Do Unto Others …

We often forget how many thoughtful, helpful compassionate people there are in this world.  Yes, there are people who are willing to help out a total stranger in desperate need.

A couple years ago I flew to Phoenix to visit my son. I was traveling alone.

On the return flight I had a layover at LAX.  From LAX there was a small shuttle plane that flew to the small desert community I live in.  It’s a good 3 hour drive.

Upon arriving at LAX I became very sick.  The terminal manager was keeping a close eye on me.  I kept insisting that I could take the small shuttle flight.  After about 2 hours of me being sick, she refused to let me on my shuttle flight, and called my husband to come to the airport to pick me up.

I would go in the ladies room, be sick and then come out to the terminal to lay on some nearby chairs.  There was a businessman who kept the seats empty for me.  He offered me water, crackers and anything that might help.  He kept saying he felt sorry for me.

What really surprised me as how many women helped me while I was in the bathroom, being violently ill.  Women wet paper towels to cool me off.  They held my long hair while I vomited.  They asked if there was anybody with me and if they could get anybody or anything for me.

About an hour after the terminal manager called my husband, she decided I was way to sick.  She told me she was calling the ambulance, and I would need to go to the hospital.  By this time, I was laying on the floor in massive pain.

It took the ER about 5 hours to get the vomiting to stop.  I had a combination food-poisoning gallbladder attack.  It was the sickest I have ever been in my life.  I was taken into surgery to have my gallbladder removed.

What amazed me is all of the people who sincerely cared about me that day.  They did everything in their power to help. I have often sent them a silent thanks.  To this day I have no idea who any of them were.

The next time you’re in a position to help out someone in need – DO IT!  We all need help at times. Remember that you reap what you sow.  It could be you or a loved one in need.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. My brother passed away March 26 due to a vehicle accident. I’m just now getting back into the swing of things.

It seems when someone passes away it brings on a whole new wave of emotions both old and new. 

Their are 5 stages of grief that we go through when someone passes away. 1. Denial and Isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.

My brother was an alcoholic.  Ultimately it was the alcohol that killed him. I think I was stuck in the “Anger” stage the longest. Angry that he choose to go down the wrong path and not utilize all the fantastic gifts he had.  

Sometimes when a loved one dies, we feel guilt.  I felt a lot of guilt after my brother died.  Guilt that I didn’t do something to help him.  I know that he put the bottle in his own hands – but at the time I kept thinking if I would have said or done something that maybe I could have changed things.  This is really an odd thought if you think about it logically – because we do not have the power to control another human being.

During my depressed states I would remember the abuse we suffered as children.  My brother got the worst of the abuse and I being 4 years younger witnessed most of it.  Read How Alcohol killed my brother.

Going back to work and settling into your normal routine really helps the grieving process.

A few days after I returned to work I was having a rather bad/sad day. I was remembering some abuse my brother suffered as a child at the hands of my father …

A co-worker saw my pain, talked to me for a few minutes and then sent me the following note:

Cindy

Sometimes I have been so down here and you have brought me up when I have really needed it. Just a hug or a smile or a goofy little remark from you has always lightened the load I was carrying on that particular day.

So in a way your childhood trauma has benefited me, it has made you super sensitive to peoples pain.

I just wanted to give you affirmation as to “things happen for a reason”. I think you are one of the most wonderful people I have met in my life; You care so passionately about the things that REALLY MATTER in life.

I just wanted to say thank you for being a bright spot in my life.

Tracy

I share this with you in hopes that you too – will lighten someone’s load some day.

We all go through trials – and knowing someone cares and appreciates you can really brighten your day. Try to lighten someones load each day of your life…

As strange as it might sound to some people, the first time I ever realized that my life was my choice I was 35 years old.

My ex was constantly threatening to leave me and the kids and to not give me a dime. This terrified me! I married him straight out of high school and had never –ever been on my own.

I had a supervisor Carole at the time. Carole was like a 2nd mom to me, and I confided in her often.

Carole consistently told me …

“It’s your choice to stay with him or not. You’re not going to change him. You need to accept that fact and decide what you want to do. It’s your choice how you live your life.”

Carole also laid down subtle hints to me ….

• “If he did leave, where would you live?”
• “How would you pay the bills?”
• “What would you drive?”
• “Who would fix your cars?”
• …

This really got me thinking. I started believing that I actually could live with out him. I began believing in myself and my own capabilities. I soon realized that my world did not have to revolve around his world.

It’s important to note that Carole never once told me to leave my ex. Her objective was to boost my self-esteem – and to possibly prepare me in case he actually did leave.

In matter of fact if you are currently in a bad marriage I suggest you read Save My Marriage Today. It’s better if you can find happiness and joy in your current relationship. Divorce has it’s own painful journey.

Over time, I began to see my self as a single parent. I began seeing myself taking care of all of the household chores.

For the first time in my life I had faith in myself and the courage to go out on my own. It was my choice to leave him. And let me tell you there was a heck of a lot of very surprised people – that all thought I was too dependent.

Regardless where you are today, you have the power to change it. You may not be able to change the circumstances – but you can change your reaction to them. It’s your choice how you live your life.

When I was a child we would take frequent road trips from California to New Mexico to see my Dad’s family.

I always enjoyed these trips. I would often just gaze out the window taking in the scenery. I imagined what the land looked liked hundreds of years ago – when the Indians and buffalo roamed the land.

There were quite a few little shacks a long the way, and I often wondered what possessed anyone to make a home in middle of nowhere.

One year we took my little nephew Marty on one of these trips. Marty was four years old at the time. Within an hour of leaving our house Marty began asking ….

“Are we in New Mexico yet?”.

When we finally crossed the New Mexico border, my dad said “We’re in New Mexico now.”

Little Marty gave Dad a glaring look and replied “No we’re not.” My parents and I were baffled by his remark … Why didn’t he believe we were there?

Once we reached my Aunt’s house Marty hopped out of the car and began jumping up and down – “Yay, we are in New Mexico now!”. In his little mind, New Mexico – the destination was my Aunts house.

Thinking back on this trip, Marty missed out on all the beautiful scenery between here and there. He missed out on the road games I would’ve played with him – had he not been so anxious to “arrive”.

It’s really sad how many people live there lives that way. They are so focused on the destination that they don’t enjoy the journey. And then when they’ve reached their destination (the New Mexico border) it’s not nothing like they’ve imagined, so they don’t even realize they have arrived.

Take time to enjoy the now, once this moment passes you’ll never be able recapture it. As the old saying goes “Take time to smell the roses.” You’ll enjoy a fuller happier life that way.