Forgiveness does not mean that you forget the incident or relieve the offender from the consequences of his actions, but that you no longer resent your friend.

It is necessary to forgive a friend in order to restore a friendship where one friend has offended or wronged the other.

Take the following 9 steps to repair and restore your friendship once you have decided to forgive your friend, or once he decides to forgive you.

1. Write down what occurred and how it made you feel. Clear your thoughts and be detailed. Be fair to yourself and your friend by looking at the situation both perspectives.
2. Determine if both of you need forgiveness — or if only one of you were completely in the wrong.

3. Accept responsibility for your part in the broken relationship.

4. Contact your friend and ask if you can set up a meeting. Choose a neutral setting that won’t drudge up bad memories or make either of you feel trapped and uncomfortable.

5. Explain how what he did or said made you feel and why it bothered you. Tell him you forgive her.

6. Ask for forgiveness if you are the one who did something wrong. Do not make excuses for your actions or words; sincerely apologize for what you did or said.

7. Listen to what your friend has to say with an open mind. Mentally note how your actions and words made her feel to avoid offending her in the future. Clearing the air is the only way to truly make an effort to restore the relationship. Bottled up and unresolved feelings with destroy the friendship.

8. Allow time for healing and rebuilding trust. Even when someone forgives you, he may never forget what happened. Be patient, as future incidents may stir up bad memories.

9. Schedule an outing that both of you will enjoy. For example, go shopping, see a movie or attend a sporting event. Agree not to discuss the incident again.

It is sad but true that every day marriages dissolve into divorce. Many do not include children but a vast number do. It is important to remember that the children are not pawns played in a game that ultimately has no winners. Here are some things to take to heart for the sake of the children involved. As difficult as it may be, you must remember that at one time you loved your ex or soon to be ex spouse enough to have children with them. Here are some tips to make life easier for your children after a divorce.

1.  Do not speak ill of the other parent. No child should hear horror stories from one parent about the other parent. They love you both equally and it can cause them to feel they have to choose between both beloved parents. This can have devastating effects and ultimately may resentment toward you, as they get older.

2.  Continue to co-parent by allowing yourself to have open communication with your ex. You both have your children’s best interests at heart you should continue to share the experience. For example, attend back to school night together. Make sure the other parent is aware of special awards, events, etc.

3.  Plan your child’s birthday party together. Choose a neutral place to have it and then plan and execute it. The fact you are on neutral ground will minimize or eliminate any awkwardness felt and will solidify the fact to your child that even though you are no longer together, you both are still a team where they are involved.

4.  Make sure you don’t forget your child’s other parent on important holidays like Christmas, birthdays or Mother’s/Father’s day. It is important to take your child to get a card or gift for these occasions as it reaffirms to your child that although you are no longer married to the other parent, you are respectful of the role they played in your life at one point.

5.  Do not refer to your ex spouse as “my ex”. It demeans the important role he or she played in having your children. Remember, without him or her, you would not have them. Refer to your ex spouse as “my son’s mother” or “my children’s father”. The term “ex” is just impersonal and callous.

These simple suggestions can make a tumultuous time like divorce a little less difficult on the children involved. They are simple suggestions but show your children that even though you and your ex spouse are no longer together that you are still a team when it comes to dealing with them, a fact that can make all the difference to a child who is in the middle of the mess.

By Guest Writer Vivienne Durand

Talking is one way to share thoughts and feelings between partners. Research has shown that women actually talk more than men, in fact about three times more in terms of the number of words.

This fact does not excuse men to from not talk. It is the men who “clam up” and refuse to talk. There are also cases where men who do more talking than women, just as there are cases where it is the women who talk a lot as well as those women who do not wish to talk a lot.

There is actually no clear cut or fool proof way to judge who should do more of the talking or who should do less. It is primarily not about gender but about the individual themselves.

Communication is a vital part of any relationship. Openness and honesty is a key ingredient to maintaining a kind of memorable relationship that is mutually loving and emotionally comfortable.

The following are tips and possible activities one can do to get yourself or your partner to talk his/her heart out, and share voluntarily any fears and insecurities that either feels. Conversation helps partners form a solid bond that will not be easily eroded.

Ask and you shall receive

The best and simplest way to get a person to talk is by asking a question.

It is best if the partner asks his/her partner how the day went or how they feel.

Often it is best that partners ask each these questions after hours they have been apart most of the day; after work or after a long business trip, etc.

But do not forget it is also important to ask sincerely looking straight into their eyes. Ask how he or she is feeling or has he/she experienced something they want to share? Sometimes the partner may not want to talk. Relax, let it be and be patient. Relationships are nurtured by respecting each others decision – everything has its own proper time and place. Do not force it.

Let him or her finish

A very annoying habit some partners have is finishing the other partner’s sentences. Though you may have good intentions, when you think you are helping, the fact is – doing so creates the impression that the partner is getting impatient with the verbally challenged approach to sentence construction. The partner being corrected could either find this act rude.

Go with the flow. Trust your partner’s judgment and verbal prowess. He or she will thank you for it in the long run.

Stop, look and listen

The most important advice anyone could receive is irrelevant if the one receiving the advice is not listening. They key to communication is in listening just as much as it is in the talking.

One partner sometimes gets the other to talk by simply listening intently to what the other is saying. This gives the impression that what the other is saying is important. Verbal signals are just as important as non-verbal ones. Active listening is a good practice any time. It breaks down barriers and puts down any or all reservations one partner may have. But do not just listen, value what the other partner is saying. All it really takes is an ear and a heart to validate anothers existence.

In summary, fears and insecurities are a part of everyone’s psyche. All one has to do is to share it in order to lighten any emotional load he or she may be carrying. But it is also similarly important that the one it is being shared with is listening and genuinely cares what the other is talking about. Sharing makes everyone human and humane. And it is a valuable gift that both women and men must cherish.

This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

In the middle of a session the other day I had a powerful realization. I was asked to think of a relationship I had with something in the last week that in my mind was the ideal relationship, and to think of what it was about that relationship that made it ideal.

A number of men in the group thought of their cars, tool sheds, families, workmates, old friends, even relationships with objects such as their television remote, recliner chair, or favorite pair of shoes. To each of these men, these things felt comfortable, and simple. The relationships they had with these people or objects was rewarding and easy to maintain.

When my turn came to identify my ideal relationship, I thought of my dog. My dog has very simple needs, and it is the ultimate ego-boost for me when I get home at night and I am greeted in such an enthusiastic fashion. I don’t know of any others that greet me so enthusiastically night after night. No matter how long I have been away from the house or no matter how my day has been. I call this unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is the type of love that comes without conditions. It is the type of love that you have for your partner when the romantic, Hollywood-style love is gone. Once the romantic love is gone you make the transition to “real” love. Real love is love you have for your partner despite the knowledge that they are not perfect. You know your partner has faults. You know your partner is not perfect. You know your partner makes mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. You still love them. This is unconditional love.

The same thing applies to you however in looking at your partner’s faults. You acknowledge that you are the same. You have faults. You are not perfect. You know you make mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. That’s called self-acceptance, and you expect unconditional love to overcome the faults and imperfections that people have.

So what do you get from this then? Should we all go out and get dogs to teach us something about unconditional love? Maybe there is a lesson to be learnt here. We all clutter our lives with trials and tribulations, and there is the temptation to let our issues rule our lives.

But if you are serious about saving your marriage you need to put the clutter to one side and let your unconditional love come through. It is okay to have faults and make mistakes. And love will conquer them all.

Have a think about unconditional love and how you can apply this realization to your relationship.

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When you were young did you imagine how wonderful it would be to get married? You’d marry your prince or princess and live happily ever after?

Marriage can be wonderful – but not all of the time. Reality is that life settles in and there will be ups and downs. There will be times when you wonder if it’s all worth it. You might even think leaving your spouse is the best option.

You should continually be looking for ways to improve your marriage. There’s always room for improvement – regardless how good your relationship already is.

7 Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Forgiveness

There is no perfect relationship – or person – so you need to expect disagreements. Remember that forgiveness can immediately smooth over rough situations in an instant. Never ever hold a grudge or bring up past hurts.

2. Respect

You should always show respect towards your spouse. After-all they should be the most important person in your life – your best friend. Be attentive to one anothers needs. Remember common courtesies by thanking your spouse for things they do for you. Don’t be little your spouse to anyone.

3. Honesty

Honesty is always the best policy. Keeping secrets from your spouse will inevitably lead to treacherous times.

4. Humor

Take the time to have fun with your spouse. Crazy antics and jokes decrease tension and bring you closer. Let your hair down and see just how much fun you can have together. Life is too short to be serious all of the time. Enjoy each others company.

5. Communicate

You should be able to tell your spouse immediately if they upset you in any way. Be open and honest – not accusatory. Be sure that your spouse knows your dreams and inspirations – your likes and dislikes. In addition don’t forget to complement one another.

6. Decide Together

Any decisions regarding finances, education and upbringing of children, household chores vacations etc should be decided together. Every ones best interest should be taken into consideration.

7. Love and Intimacy

Remember these are two different things even though they go hand in hand. Keep each others fuel burning. Surprise one another with a gift of affection. Enjoy every new discovery with your spouse.
It is easier said than done, but each has to remember that marriage is one hundred percent love. They must enjoy every new discovery and every new day with their spouses.

Marriage is wonderful and a bit complicated. But as long as the partners know that they have each other to hold on to, it should be a rewarding relationship.

Be there “for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and till death do you part”

It always strikes me as somewhat odd, the way people will ask me how I forgave my father for all the harm he caused me. They don’t realize that forgiveness benefits me. It gives me the freedom to live my life the way I choose and not be chained down by the past child abuse I suffered.

Forgiveness has always come natural to me. I’ve always said that God gave me the gift of forgiveness so I would be able to share my stories and help others in need.

Another thing people don’t realize is that forgiveness isn’t needed for all aspects of my father’s personality.

I loved my dad. He spoiled me, took care of me, and always signed his name “Your Bear of a Father”. This was the father that needed NO forgiveness. He always had my best interest at heart. He was the one that always introduced me as “His Baby Girl”.

(Yup, thats My Dad in 1974. Look at that happy smiling friendly face … Who would have ever thought … that a monster hid underneath?)

Then there was this opposite side of my dad. This is the one that needed forgiveness. He was not a nice person. He called us names, and beat us. My brother Mike seemed to get the worst of the deal. There is a scapegoat in every family and Mike was it.

This isn’t to say that I was home free, I’ll never forget one night when I was 14, I wasn’t feeling good and was telling my mom I didn’t feel well enough to do the dishes. My dad came barging into the room and slapped me across the face so hard, that I went flying over the coffee table.

I managed to get up, in a tremendous amount of pain, went into the kitchen and began doing the dishes as I was crying. My mom walked in and asked me how hurt I was. I told her. She then told dad, to take me to the emergency room.

I’ll never forget the ride to the hospital. My dad stressed to me “Do not tell the doctor I hit you!” This was in 1974 when child abuse was not talked about. To me it was a normal way of life and I never would have thought of telling anyone.

It wound up that I had broken quite a few ribs. Good girl that I was, I said that I fell while playing outside.

Forgiveness didn’t really help my dad. He was the twisted mixed up person he was until he became very ill prior to his death. I often wonder what happened in his life to make him the way he was. Why did he choose to act the way he did?

Forgiveness didn’t come easily either. I don’t believe I totally forgave him until after his death.  I’d also like to mention that as he lay dying of cancer, he did ask me and my siblings for forgiveness.

When I tell people of my past – they often ask if my dad drank. The answer is NO. There was NO substance abuse whatsoever. I only saw my dad drink alcohol about 3 or 4 times in my entire life. He was just a very mixed up person.

Many people tend to link child abuse with substance abuse. Though they often go hand in hand, it does not mean that child abuse does not happen in so called “Good Homes” and it also does not mean that all children that reside with parents with substance abuse are abused.

If you suspect any child id being abused, please notify your local Child Protective Services agency.

The 4th of July holiday is one that most of us (in America) celebrate. It recognizes the birth of our great nation. It is our Independence Day. This is also a great way to spend a nice summer day together as a family.

Start a new tradition that will stay with your family always. It’s never too late to begin! Have you always wanted to plan something nice you could do as a family, but haven’t quite figured it out yet? Here are five ideas to get you started.

1. Go Fishing

You can gather everyone and go to the lake. Take the boat, or rent one. Or, just set up on the bank of the river or lake shore, or pier (depending on your location of course). Pack the fishing rods and bait and just enjoy the day together.

Once the sun goes down, chances are you’ll be close enough to watch a great firework display. Just being together for the whole day will create memories you will cherish forever.

2. Go Camping

Especially since the Fourth lands on a Saturday this year, you can make an entire weekend event out of it. Go to the lake or your favorite camping grounds…or even your own backyard if you aren’t adventurous enough or ready for a full-fledged camping trip.

Again, there are firework displays set up pretty much everywhere, so be sure to find one ahead of time and hopefully you can see it from your campground!

3. Go to the Park

Play your favorite sport together- baseball, basketball, football, soccer, etc. Bring a picnic and blankets and balls and have fun. Again, make the whole day about being together and having fun together. Even the most uninvolved teen will usually end up having fun…who can resist when fun and laughter are so contagious?

4. Have a BBQ

If you, a friend or family member have a nice big backyard (especially if anyone has a pool) have a big barbeque for the whole family. Great food, great company and an important day make for good times. Do you really need an excuse to get together?

5. Go to a Ball Game

Pack the family up to go to a ball game. There are many activities and games that take place on the Fourth that you can all enjoy. If you don’t live near a baseball stadium, or if your team is traveling, see if there is a local parade or something like that.

Many communities have large celebrations to honor our country’s birth, so bring the family and celebrate together!

Remember to bring sunscreen, blankets (it may get chilly at night), plenty of water, food, a camera to capture all of the smiles, and leave any worries behind. This is a time to have fun and celebrate and relax. There are enough days to worry and fret later, so let it all go for now.

The most important thing is being together, having fun and creating memories that will last a lifetime.

What does independence mean to you?  Make today the beginning of the BEST of your life!!!!

The goal of any family is for all members to live in harmony with each other. It is the first source of a Childs education and moral values.

If your family is experiencing …

Difficulties interacting with each other

Financial hardships

Loss of job or income

Sickness and/or death

A troubled teen

You may want to consider family counseling. A problem experienced by anyone in the family can affect other members also.

Below are some widely used techniques in family counseling:

In home Observations

This is a fairly new technique where the family therapists actually live with the family for a few days. This enables the therapist to observe family interactions first hand and allows them to meet their clients real needs better.

Communication Skill Building

Good communication skills are the basic foundation for a healthy family environment. Any trial that a family member goes through will affect the rest of the family either positively or negatively depending on their communication skills.

Families that face one crisis after another will soon break down if they do not know how to communicate with each other.

The family therapist will focus on communication patterns between family members. During sessions the family members will be encouraged to take turns expressing their feelings, while the other family members practice listening without judging the other persons actions and statements.

Reframing

Therapists use this technique in order to present different perspectives of family problems. Reframing is an attempt at turning negative behaviors into positive behaviors.

For example a daughter may see her parent as untrusting if the parent repeatedly questions her behavior after a date. In reframing the daughter can be shown that the parents actions are out of love and concern.

Tracking

Tracking is a technique widely used by most therapists. Some therapists see it as an essential part of family counseling.

The therapist listens intently to family stories told by each member of the family. The therapist then records the events in order to identify the sequence of events. At this time the therapist will be able to design interventions between the various points.

Family photos

Family photos are an excellent way for a therapist to determine how the family functions in the present s well as in the past. Family members look at memorable photos as they talk about them. The therapist is able to gather verbal and nonverbal actions between the family members. It also reveals family relationships, customs, roles and communication patterns.

Genogram

The genogram provides an enormous amount of insight for the therapist. This technique should be used early in family therapy. The genogram provides a graphic picture of the family history which reveals the families basic structure and demographics.

A genogram is a family history listing three generations, including names, dates of birth, death, marriage, divorce, and other relevant facts.

Family floor plan

This technique should also be done during the beginning stages of counseling. Family members are requested to draw a floor plan of their home. They are asked to remember the sounds, colors, odors and people in the house. While they are drawing specific questions are asked about the environment such as;

• What room does the family gather in?
• What conversations take place in the various rooms?
• Are any rooms restricted or off limits?
• Where do guests gather?

This technique will reveal the comfort levels between family members, space accommodations and rules. It can also indicate family triangles and subsystems. Discussions often bring out meaningful issues related to ones past.

Family Sculpting

Family sculpting provides recreation for the family. Family members are asked to physically arrange the family representing relationships to one another at a specific period of time. Children often make good sculptors as they are able to non-verbally communicate their thoughts and feelings this way.

Family Choreography

This technique goes beyond family sculpting. Family members are asked to show how they would like to see the family situation as well as the way they see it in the present. They may be asked to reenact current family situations and then re-sculpt them to the preferred scene.

The Empty Chair

In this technique a family member will express their feelings to another member – the empty chair. The family member then will play the role of the other person and carry on a dialogue. Expressions to absent family, parents, and children can be arranged through utilizing this technique.

Family Council Meetings

This is simply an organized family meeting. The family is there to share and discuss any concerns they have. The goal is to find a solution together. It is important that all family members attend. Set a specific time to meet and have rules that all must abide by: i.e. Attacking others is not acceptable. Often times family therapists will prescribe Family Council Meetings as homework for the family.

Strategic Alliances

This technique involves the therapist meeting with one member of the family as a means of helping that person change. When each person changes their individual perspectives and outlooks, it enables the entire family system to change. This technique attempts to disrupt a circular system or behavior pattern.

Prescribing Indecision

Faulty decision making increases the stress level of families. Not making decisions becomes more problematic. The therapist encourages the family to reframe the indecisive behavior – decision is showed as caring and taking appropriate time on important matters. The head of the family is directed not to rush into anything or to make hasty decisions.

Putting the Client in Control

This technique places control into the hands of each individual or the head of the family. For example if a family member has a problem with anxiety – Specific directives are given as to when, where, and with whom, the person can exhibit their anxiety or worries. A time limit is also set. In time the client begins to feel in control which results in a positive change.

Caring Days

Families can get stuck in behavior cycles, become bored with each other, and take little time for one another. When this happens members of the family feel unappreciated, unloved, and taken for granted.

With this technique the family sets aside days where they are asked to show that they care. This can be done by giving a specific a special day, or by family outings and mini vacations.

In Conclusion …

Remember that all therapists are different. Family counselors customize their techniques according to their training, beliefs and that of the family they are counseling. When choosing a counselor check out their skills in handling the problems your family is facing. If you are a religious person, you may want to find a counselor that has the same beliefs as you. It’s a good idea to interview more than one counselor to find a good fit for you and your family.

If you are currently in a crisis situation you may be able to get immediate expert advice from a LivePerson.