How Alcohol Killed My Brother
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” Brian Tracy
Growing up, Mom always told me stories. Some of my favorite memories of her are her telling me stories and singing to me. A lot of the stories Mom told were motivational.
I have shared my favorite story from my Mom in the post
“Why are you the way you are?”
In Memory of my Brother, Michael Bass; 1955-2008
Remembering the Fun and the Good times – As well as the abuse we suffered.
An Abusive Father
Dad was not a very nice person. He never hit my mom and didn’t drink. He did however have a violent temper towards us kids. I could write a book about all the abuse my siblings and I suffered at his hands.
My brother Mike started drinking at age 14 to try to escape the emotional anguish. I turned to friends and my creative mindset. I wrote stories and daydreamed a lot. Mike and I could actually be the two siblings in “Why are you the way you are?”
Sadly, when you turn to alcohol, it makes it impossible to deal with the emotional anguish and get on with your life.
My brother was a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Sober he was the nicest person. He had loads of talent. He was a great singer, and could play musical instruments. He handcrafted beautiful wooden clocks, tables, picture frames and pen holders to name a few. He could also draw.
Drunk he was a selfish, loud and obnoxious … From about age 21 to 45 he spent most of his life in prison – for stupid crimes he committed while drunk.
Every time he went to jail or prison he became a trustee within a month because he was sober. He often called me crying, “I don’t deserve to be in here. I don’t remember doing it. I was drunk.”
I would reply, “You do deserve to be in there. You chose to take the first drink.”
A Reason to Stop Drinking?
My brother met the love of his life in 1999 – Linda. This was right after his last prison stint. He became a model parolee that was honored in the local paper. He had finally stopped drinking – not so much for himself but for Linda. I think for the first time in his life he not only felt needed – but felt accepted for who he truly was.
Linda died of cancer in August 2007. Mike went right back to drinking. He drank heavier than he ever had. Sadly, he drank himself to his death in March of 2008. After a two day drinking binge, he tried running across the freeway and got hit by a semi-truck.
Looking back, I see that Mike never took responsibility for his own life. He always justified his actions because “It was the booze”. He justified drinking by blaming the abuse he suffered as a child from Dad.
He stopped drinking for Linda – Not for himself. Linda was his self-worth.
Why do people drink or take drugs?
Usually to stop the pain. Not physical pain, but the pain from all the hurtful things that have ever been done to them. Every single negative emotion they have ever felt keeps repeating in their minds over and over again.
Alcoholism is like a vicious circle. My brother really wanted to do good. He wanted to be loved, respected and understood. He drank to escape the pain he felt from believing he was a failure. He believed he failed my mom as a son. He believed he failed me as he didn’t “take care of his little sister.” He failed his son, that he didn’t get to see grow up.
Because he drowned his sorrows with alcohol, he never dealt with his childhood. He never dealt with his feelings. He never confronted our Dad. He never forgave our dad. Thus he was not able to free himself as the pain.
I myself confronted my Dad. I told my dad what I thought of the horrible things he did, like breaking my ribs when I was 14. Or leaving my brother Mike and I in the middle of Arizona desert because we were arguing in the car. He left us there for about 2 hours. That’s a very long time for an eight and twelve year old.
I also forgave my Dad. I don’t think I was able to totally forgive him until he died in August 2003. Funny thing though, I always knew my Dad loved me, regardless of the horrible things he did and said.
Am I making excuses for Mike?
I sure hope not. I understood him. I understood why he did what he did. I think he even understood why. Just because you understand something doesn’t make it right.
After my brother died, I struggled. I kept wondering if I could have done anything different, if I could have somehow prevented him from turning to the booze after Linda died. I believe this was a part of my grief. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could do nothing. This helped me to release the guilt I felt. I did not pour the alcohol down him. I never encouraged his drinking – nor did I hide it.
If you have a loved one that is an alcoholic, I suggest you give Al-Anon a try – Even if just for a few meetings. I know that Al-Anon helped my Mom cope.
If you have a drinking problem, check out AA -Alcoholics Anonymous. They understand and can help you gain control of your life.
I began writing this post about making excuses for our actions. My brother was an expert at making excuses, and as I thought of him (maybe it’s because the last time I saw him was Thanksgiving of 2005) … Well, it became what you’ve just read. If my brothers story helps just one person – then I am forever grateful I wrote it.
Be sure to read my next post “Stop Making Excuses and Learn to Live“
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Tears… Mike was a great, fun person to be around when he was not drinking!
I’m so-so sorry…
Thanks Tim, I really beleive he is in a better place and is happy now.
Hi
We are currently smack bam in the experience you had with your brother. He never used to drink that much, maybe had a binge every 4 or 6 months, sometimes even longer. But then his girlfriend broke up with him and he hasn’t stopped. My parents are getting old now and he is sending them to an early grave. We convinced him to go into rehab last year and he was there for two weeks, when he came out they put him on anti depressants and he was fine for a while. The ex girlfriend came to visit in December and ever since then he hasn’t stopped. I know he is going to end up dead which ever way you look at it, because of something happens to one of my parents then he is going to blame himself for it and he just won’t stop drinking then. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t live in the same country as them so I am not going through what my parents are going through, but I know that something is going to happen to one of the three pretty soon.
I am sorry to hear that Helene. I understand how you feel. The most important thing to remember is that it is his choice. We can not change another person, we can only change our-self, what we say and how we react to incidents that occur in our life.
My brother drank himself to death January 6th of this year (2011) I feel for all of you. He is the first close person I have ever lost (I am 47) my brother died at 49, soooo sad I miss him and dream of him often. I always tell him I miss him in my dreams. It’s not an easy way to lose a loved one.
Hi Greg,
I am sorry for your loss. The first year is always the toughest, but you will carry your brother in your heart always. As siblings you shared a special bond. The important thing to remember is to give yourself permission to grieve and release the pain you feel. Know that there will always be days and times memories of your brother will come back to you. Don’t let his choices define you. Continue living your life to the fullest, being grateful for every moment and every thing that you have. If you need to talk sign up for a “confidence booster” coaching session and we can create a plan for you to work through your grief.
Hi..I recently was pressed to make a decision regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. I grew very close to this guy almost instantly..We had a lot in common we were both musical..Inspired each other intellectually..Both single parents..Thought we could have it all..Right from the start, I knew alcohol would break us apart..He informed me that he lost his wife and for a couple years lived a life of debauchery..I felt for him and was very convinced that god placed us in each other’s life..I thought maybe I’m the one he needed to turn his life around..He treated me like gold..Bought lavish gifts and showered me with much attention..But I noticed his drinking habits would ruin us..He would switch drinks..Like a glass of wine at dinner then some beer..And the frequency of drinking not every night a few beers here and there but more than I would consume at this age..Forty..I mean in my twenties my lifestyle was different..and I would show up at his house when he was watching his son on more than one occasion and he was buzzing..no cool..and as time went I would dismiss these things because well like I said I was swept with his charm..Well what goes around come s around..Believe that..a friend worked at a local liquor store called me and informed me that she knew she knew this guy when we were in that store before when she first met him and couldn’t put a finger on it..We went out for dinner one night I dropped him off to bring my daughter home and a half hour later we called each other and said our goodnight..within. That time he went to the liquor store and bought his vodka and said goodnight ..not that I needed an itinerary but because he knew how I felt about his intake he didn’t tell me so ok he thought he got away with it..When I confronted him, he denied it..Later that week I said I couldn’t continue in a relationship. Built on lies and he ended up stating the truth that he was there afterall..So I let that slide he even showed me where he had a bottle hidden..In his amplifier..So naturally I was hurt but more for him because it was not necessary for him to hide drinks. He said it was based upon my counting the beers..or being on him trust me I didn’t badger him but I did express my discontent..Of course I eventually found more empty bottles and my friend at the store said the brand. He would buy plus a little extra nip or two was the usual and yes, that what I found scattered in a bunch of boxes and built up trash..Which he blamed on the girl before me. So it didn’t matter because now I didn’t trust him..I haves threes year old so I had to make a decision to leave..The deception was what I was faced with and then the problem which he admitted to and wanted me to stay around to help him get help..I couldn’t do it. I told him he needed to get help himself without me ..I didn’t feel safe. I will also mention that if he didn’t drink by what I thought through his word was three days he became irritated and emotionally off like wanted to argue and became high strung and when he did drink he would get angry and express himself like he was someone else..Now mind you we were only together for six to seven months ..I knew that in time things would have gotten comfortable and his behaviors would have seeped out..And I was not willing to go through that in relationship for myself or my daughter..I felt like he was hiding a lot more..Wow ..Be careful manipulation control deception are what alcoholics use to protect their addiction..It’s very sad because I thought I loved him and could have built a life….PS..I love my daughter
Hi Diane,
Thank you for sharing your story! I congratulate you for having the confidence and belief in yourself to leave, so that you could build a better life for you and your daughter. And, I believe you are right on, when you stated that things would have gotten worse.
I went to my brother’s funeral and cremation just today. He was 39. Tortured by cirrhosis and all of the associated problems. Underneath all the haze of the alcohol he was such an amazing person. He just did not have the strength to beat it. I take great comfort from the fact he is now in a better place, free from pain, torment and constant hospitalisation. To all trying to deal with an addiction or supporting an addict, I hope you find the strength to find a way through it.
R.I.P. Uncle mike i do miss you alot. Aunt cindy i do miss you too. I never knew about everything that you told in the story about uncle mike and im really glad i read it. i wish he would have made better choices so he would be here with us today but we cant change what happened. I’m really glad i found your website, its very inspirationable and i bet you have helped alot of people. Maybe I can put some of your articles to good use in my own life to better it for me and my kids. Continue doing what your doing to better other peoples lives and hopefully help other people that have a problem with alcohol make better choices so they dont end up like uncle mike. I love and miss you. hope to see you on your next visit. Keep up the good work and tell mike i said hi and hope he is doing good.
My brother mike just died 8 weeks ago from alcoholism. He drank himself into a coma and died from complications. I am so full of grief. I am so angry that he did that to our family..to himself. Our brother danny was killed when we were younger in a car accident.. Mike was 18 then and I was 6… I believe that’s how he dealt with his pain. I love him so much and I feel so heart broken I cannot believe he’s gone…really gone. It’s just so hard to grasp… I always feared this but never really believed he would die. The saddest part is my younger brother and older sister are alcoholics as well and I have two brother in law who are…. I cannot tolerate them even drinking a beer and they continue as if alcohol didn’t cost Michael his life… I asked them over Easter not to drink in front of my parents and I was asked not to come to dinner…. They went nuts and became o angry when I had asked for us to stop the behavior. So not only was I without my brother(s) but without my family all because of one request. I wish I could come to grips with the truth of it all so I can move forward..but it’s only been a short time……. I would love some encouraging words to help heal the hurt………. Laura