It is necessary to forgive a friend in order to restore a friendship where one friend has offended or wronged the other.

Take the following 9 steps to repair and restore your friendship once you have decided to forgive your friend, or once he decides to forgive you.

1. Write down what occurred and how it made you feel. Clear your thoughts and be detailed. Be fair to yourself and your friend by looking at the situation both perspectives.
2. Determine if both of you need forgiveness — or if only one of you were completely in the wrong.

3. Accept responsibility for your part in the broken relationship.

4. Contact your friend and ask if you can set up a meeting. Choose a neutral setting that won’t drudge up bad memories or make either of you feel trapped and uncomfortable.

5. Explain how what he did or said made you feel and why it bothered you. Tell him you forgive her.

6. Ask for forgiveness if you are the one who did something wrong. Do not make excuses for your actions or words; sincerely apologize for what you did or said.

7. Listen to what your friend has to say with an open mind. Mentally note how your actions and words made her feel to avoid offending her in the future. Clearing the air is the only way to truly make an effort to restore the relationship. Bottled up and unresolved feelings with destroy the friendship.

8. Allow time for healing and rebuilding trust. Even when someone forgives you, he may never forget what happened. Be patient, as future incidents may stir up bad memories.

9. Schedule an outing that both of you will enjoy. For example, go shopping, see a movie or attend a sporting event. Agree not to discuss the incident again.

Your past shapes who you are. The experiences you have throughout your life play an integral part in how you behave and look at the world.

This may not seem like a big deal, but in certain circumstances, it can become a detriment to your success.

Keeping your focus on your past can actually negatively affect things in the future. From your work life to your love life, even your day-to-day things can be affected by an inability to move past negative experiences.

Romance

It’s perfectly normal to feel sad after a breakup, and even spend some time licking your emotional wounds. However, focusing on relationships that are long over is an unhealthy way to live your life.

You can sabotage your future love life by idealizing your ex. This sets up a standard in your mind that no future romantic interests can meet. This robs you of potential opportunities for what could be even greater relationships.

Each romantic relationship, however, has something valuable you can take from it. Allow yourself to learn the lessons that the relationship teaches, then give yourself permission to move on.

Fears

Most fears are caused by prior experiences. People who are afraid of dogs usually had a bad experience with a dog. People who avoid eating certain foods likely had a really bad reaction to that food when they tried it.

While this is a rather indirect way of dwelling on the past, it can close you off to new experiences.

Forgiveness

Grudges can run deep. If a person feels that someone has wronged them, they could be hard pressed to let the person attempt to atone for their mistake.

Anger seems justified in a lot of circumstances. However, forgiveness is a major part of the healing process that can result in a tremendous restoration. People who were once alienated after a falling out can let bygones be bygones and start fresh.

Keep the Past in the Past

After a particularly negative experience, it’s human nature to put some emphasis on it. It’s important to remember that tomorrow is a brand new day. You can choose to start off with a completely blank slate.

Emotional responses are normal and grieving is a necessary process in tragic circumstances, but remaining stuck in that state is the danger. Emotional wounds begin to heal when, after a time of grieving, you move on with your life.

Take time to recover from negative experiences. Get  your complimentary Rapid Coaching session today! However, it’s equally important that you make an effort to let bygones be bygones. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Keep a positive outlook, even after a bad experience. Learn the lesson that the experience offers, file it away in your mind and choose to head in a positive direction.

The past has value, and should not be discarded entirely. But once you’ve learned the lessons from the past and gotten all the benefit it offers, take what you’ve learned and use it to move forward with a positive attitude in the direction of your dreams.

I was knocked to the floor. How could he do this to me while I was grieving my mom? I knew we were having problems, but why was he being so cruel? It was the last thing in the world that I needed or wanted to hear. Out of shock and anger, I replied with some “not so nice” words.

Through all of his faults, Earl was a man of his word. He married for better or for worse, and would never have taken the initial steps towards divorce.

For the next five years we lived together as man and wife – yet so distant. There is NOTHING Lonelier than being in a marriage where you feel unloved, unworthy and unappreciated.

During this period my dad, grandmother, brother and aunt died. In addition, Earls, brother was murdered, his grandmother and grandfather died and his father almost died of pneumonia and lung cancer.

Earl and I kept growing apart, yet I clinged to what was familiar to me. I knew how to act, when to say what and more importantly when and how to avoid his massive outbursts of anger which appeared to get worse every day. I had been with him since I was 16 years old, how in the world could I live without him?  If I left him, my parents were no longer around to help me, who would support me? More importantly, how would I support my children, because Earl constantly threatened to leave the kids and me penniless.

I began doing a lot of self-improvement. I read any and every book I could find including books on how to save my marriage. The more I tried, the farther he drifted. During this time, he said and did some horrendous things.
I finally decided to take the plunge and leave. It was the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I had never been completely on my own; I went from daddy’s house to Earl’s house. I was fortunate that I had the support of a few very good friends who encouraged me, even though I often felt that no one had been through what I was feeling and that no one truly understood. The separation and divorce was as amicable as one can be.

Four days after I left Earl, my son was in a car accident, I called Earl and was horrified at what he did. He came to the hospital, talked to my son for a few minutes and then gave him $20. And said, “Here, maybe your mom will get you something to eat on the way home.” We did not even have all the x-rays back, and did not have any final word on my son’s condition.
For weeks or months, I was fueled with anger at him for the way he treated my son, as well as all the past hurtful things he did. I was further enraged when he told me that getting a demotion at work, hurt him more than me leaving did.

Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks ….. I was allowing Earl to continuously hurt me and control my life because I was holding onto anger of the past. What did Earl care that I was angry? Did it affect his life? Of course, it did not. This anger was eating away at me, making me scream, making me cry, making me think life was unfair and making me want to strangle Earl’s neck. This affected my moods, my actions and feelings about myself.

I decided right then and there to “LET GO” of the anger. To let go of the “What Ifs” the “If Only’s” and the “Why’s”. I just Let everything go and accepted what is. I looked to the opportunities I had. I looked to how I wanted to shape my life. I looked to the newfound freedom I found. I embraced the fact that My Life is My Choice, and that by holding onto the anger was giving my choice away.

Fast-forward 15 years. Both my children are grown, living happy healthy productive lives. I am married to a wonderful man who treats with the utmost respect and love. I have a career that I love! Some of the journey has been rough but it has been worth it. Sign up for your “Life After Divorce” coaching session, and allow me give you the support you need in dealing with the roller-coaster of emotions felt during and after a divorce.

Read Jenna’s story of how she turned her life around after divorce.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dwindled down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said …

“You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one …

“You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. Make sure you control your temper the next time you are tempted to say something you will regret later.”

Author Unknown

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What a fantastic story and lesson!

How many times in your life have you said something in anger wishing you could take it back?

Anger can be a deadly weapon. It can do so much harm – both to yourself and to those around you.

Just as the little boy in the story above learned how to control his anger – YOU TOO can learn to control yours.

Life can be very difficult and it’s not reasonable to expect that you will live in the state of harmony and bliss for the rest of your life. The reality is that in the daily push and pull of your life there are many sources of conflict and anger.

Most people have had lifelong beliefs that conflict and anger are “bad” and should be avoided at all costs. In “How to Handle Conflict and Manage Anger” by Denis Waitley he shows you how to handle conflict and anger productively and to be able to take advantage of the opportunities provided.

The important thing is to not let your anger get the best of you. When that unpleasant feeling starts building up inside of you the best thing to do is to close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths, and think of 5 things that make you very happy …. Could be your spouse, children, grandchildren, a vacation, your house, soaking in the tub, your car, fishing, getting a massage etc…

Your mind can not hold joy and anger at the same time. This gives you a moment to think clearly about the situation and to make better choices.

Start controlling your temper today and live a happier fuller life

There are times when we all have to control our anger.  We’ll get angry with our kids, spouse, parents, friends and our co-workers.  When we are angry we might take it out on those closest to us.

In Cognitive Therapy, psychologists offer different ways for patients to react to the anger.  For example, they may ask the patient to look at a situation in a more appropriate and positive manner instead of flying off the handle in a negative way.

Cognitive therapy can help in anger management by:

1.  Helping us understand where the anger is coming from
2.  Teaches us how to deal with any given situation in an appropriate manner
3.  Teaches relaxation and visualization techniques to help you relax at the first sign of anger
Example:  If you have a problem with road rage an anger management method you can use is to visualize a circumstance where you would get angry at another motorist.  You would then use the relaxation methods that you learned to get rid of the anger.

Psychologists use these techniques in several ways:

1 Assist patients to become more aware of their anger
2.  Show patients how to avoid situations that would normally anger them
3.  Teaches patients how to recognize exactly what triggers their anger
4.  Offers patients a plan to change the reaction of anger to a more positive reaction

For any anger management program to be effective, it shouldn’t consists of the person ranting about all the things that makes him or her angry.  The therapist should assist you in focusing on the root triggers of your anger and utilizing relaxation techniques.

Cognitive therapy is an effective method to control your anger.  If therapy isn’t for you might want to check out Anger Management – an online Self Paced Self Study Program with exercises and supporting material to help you move towards a normal non-aggressive life.

Our feelings in themselves are not good or bad. They just are. You shouldn’t ever let anyone tell you how you should feel about any given circumstance.

Each person reacts to any given situation based on their past experiences. Our emotions are directly related to adaptive behavior and are designed to increase our survival instinct.

According to American psychologist Robert Plutchik every feeling we have is derived from the following eight primary emotions …

Acceptance – the feeling of being liked/loved just as you are. Giving credence to your thoughts, actions and beliefs.

Anger – a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance

Anticipation – a feeling of pleasure (and sometimes anxiety) in considering some expected or longed-for good event, or irritation at having to wait.

Disgust – typically associated with things that are perceived as unclean, inedible or infectious.

Fear – a powerful, unpleasant feeling of risk or danger, either real or imagined.

Joy – a feeling of pleasure; a source of happiness.

Sadness – a state of unhappiness and hopelessness.

Surprise – a feeling of shock due to something perceived as unexpected. (Can be pleasant or unpleasant).

You may note that the eight primary emotions are four pairs of opposites;

Acceptance / Disgust; Fear / Anger; Joy / Sadness; Surprise / Anticipation

These eight emotions can be blended in numerous ways for instance blending joy and acceptance gives us the feeling of love.

Even though we cannot experience opposite emotions at the same time, positive and negative emotions can be blended. Acceptance and Fear leads to submissiveness.