“True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.” David Ridge

3 Myths About Forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness means you condone the behavior of the person.
2. Forgiveness means you have to maintain a relationship with the person.
3. Forgiveness means that you forget about the incident.

All of these are absolutely untrue!!!

Forgiveness is releasing your own pain and anger over the past. It’s a choice to live in the present – It’s choosing to let go of whom was right or wrong. Forgiveness gives you the freedom to live your life and not allowing someone else to control it. If you are holding on to the anger and hurt you are allowing the person to continuously hurt you over and over again.

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

If you are finding it difficult to let go and to forgive, you might find the following forgiveness techniques helpful.

Forgiveness Techniques:

Forgiveness Technique 1. Write a letter to the person,explaining your hurts, your anger and your opnion. Let them have it. Then burn the letter or flush it down the toilet while affirming “I choose to forgive your actions and will not allow them to control my life any more.”

Forgiveness Technique 2. Be grateful for all the valuable lessons you have learned from the situation. You could affirm “I am grateful that this situation has happened because it has made me a better person by …(fill in the blank). I now choose to forgive and to concentrate on my life.

Forgiveness Technique 3. Allow yourself to feel. Feel all the hurt, all the pain. Let it out. Cry your heart out over the pain. Once you’re done affirm “I have let go of the hurt and anger that has enslaved me. I now choose to live in the present and to release the past.”

Forgiveness Technique 4. Go somewhere quiet. Close your eyes and imagine the person that hurt you as a small baby and/or a small child. They did nothing but crave love and affection. They ahd a pure heart. They were innocent. They wished no one ill or harm. Affirm to yourself “I choose to forgive … Their hurtful acts were due to their own wounds and had nothing to do with me.”

You also need to remember to forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up mentally for things you might have said or did or for things you wish you would have said or did. Clear out your mind and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are. Meditation is great way to get in tune with your inner self. Forgiving yourself empowers you to create the changes you want in your life by accepting full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not a “one time fix”. Often times you will need to forgive the person all over again each time you think of the situation. In time the anger and bitterness will be a thing of the past and you can look at the situation with a peaceful heart and truly wish those that hurt you well.

When you fail to forgive, you are actually turning your back on your back on a better future. You do not want to create a future for yourself that is full of anger, hatred and resentment. FORGIVE – Keep your head up and your heart open as you walk forward in your life, creating a future that will lead to love, health and happiness!

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” Hannah Moore

I received this response from my article:
Child Abuse – Is Forgiveness a Necessity?

I wanted to share it with you because it represents a different view point of dealing with child abuse ….

Jennifer Wrote:

I was sharing this story over the weekend, and then I saw your post on child abuse, so I thought I’d share.

My mother made me a dress for the senior prom in h.s. I hadn’t been dating anybody, but she was mentally ill. (In this days, you only went to the prom with a date; never alone.) Anyway, no guys asked me to the prom, and to me it was unthinkable to tell her I wasn’t going to the prom, because she’d be furious that she had made that dress. So I asked a guy to go with me, and he said he already had a date. Then I asked another guy, and he was waiting for another girl to say “yes”, but she declined, so he agreed to go with me. Since I did the asking, I had to pay for the tickets. I’ve always been exceedingly careful with money, so it killed me to spend about $100. for the tickets.

The entire event was unpleasant, and I just gritted my teeth and did it so that I would not have to deal with Mom’s wrath. (In addition to “never hearing the end of it” over her slaving over the dress, she would typically call everyone she knew and recount the story and emphasize what a disappointment/loser I was, and how my sister achieved so much in comparison to me.)

I’ve never dwelled on the topic of “forgiveness”. For me, it was easier to analyze her psychiatric history, to understand what made her the freak show that she became. And the answers were all there. So for me, it’s enough to understand that her parents did this to her.

When she died, nobody cried, and we didn’t bother with a funeral, because her kids didn’t like her, and there weren’t any “friends” who would have attended. Life is so much easier now that she’s gone.

CindySense replied:

Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve found that understanding why someone hurts you and forgiving them are two different things. If you have any negative beliefs about yourself due to things your mother did, then forgiving her is the first step to healing yourself and being all that God intends you to be.

If you just accept that it was, then it sounds like you have forgiven her for the hurtful things.

Many people such as myself had (or may currently have) this love / hate relationship with a parent that abused them. This causes them to have negative issues about themselves – thinking they are unlovable. This is where forgiveness is needed.

If you don’t mind, I’d love to share your story …

Jennifer Wrote:
Cindy — Yes, you may share the story.

Unlike many people with an abusive parent, my mother didn’t have a “good side” which we could fondly reminisce over. Her spaghetti sauce was good. There isn’t much else I can cite.

A big turning point for my brother (God bless the boys of such parents!) was reading the book “Understanding the Borderline Mother”. My mother was the witch/waif personality type of borderline personality disorder. She married an autistic man who could earn a paycheck, so that she’d be taken care of financially, but also so that she could be in charge. (In those days, women desperately focused on finding a husband at an early age.) Someday someone will write a book about my family and sell many copies.

CindySense Conclusion:

The BIG lesson here is that when you forgive someone, it’s for you – not for the other person.  When you forgive your parents or others that may have abused you when you are a child – You are letting go of the pain, the guilt, the shame and all the other negative emotions that you have been holding onto throughout your life.

If your not battling demons of the past, you’ve already let go, and forgiveness isn’t necessary for you to heal.

Many of us have overcame obstacles that would be best sellers and great movies … Why?  Because people love hearing about how others overcame situations similar to the ones they are facing or have faced.  Don’t be afraid to share your story – You never know who may benefit from it.

It always strikes me as somewhat odd, the way people will ask me how I forgave my father for all the harm he caused me. They don’t realize that forgiveness benefits me. It gives me the freedom to live my life the way I choose and not be chained down by the past child abuse I suffered.

Forgiveness has always come natural to me. I’ve always said that God gave me the gift of forgiveness so I would be able to share my stories and help others in need.

Another thing people don’t realize is that forgiveness isn’t needed for all aspects of my father’s personality.

I loved my dad. He spoiled me, took care of me, and always signed his name “Your Bear of a Father”. This was the father that needed NO forgiveness. He always had my best interest at heart. He was the one that always introduced me as “His Baby Girl”.

(Yup, thats My Dad in 1974. Look at that happy smiling friendly face … Who would have ever thought … that a monster hid underneath?)

Then there was this opposite side of my dad. This is the one that needed forgiveness. He was not a nice person. He called us names, and beat us. My brother Mike seemed to get the worst of the deal. There is a scapegoat in every family and Mike was it.

This isn’t to say that I was home free, I’ll never forget one night when I was 14, I wasn’t feeling good and was telling my mom I didn’t feel well enough to do the dishes. My dad came barging into the room and slapped me across the face so hard, that I went flying over the coffee table.

I managed to get up, in a tremendous amount of pain, went into the kitchen and began doing the dishes as I was crying. My mom walked in and asked me how hurt I was. I told her. She then told dad, to take me to the emergency room.

I’ll never forget the ride to the hospital. My dad stressed to me “Do not tell the doctor I hit you!” This was in 1974 when child abuse was not talked about. To me it was a normal way of life and I never would have thought of telling anyone.

It wound up that I had broken quite a few ribs. Good girl that I was, I said that I fell while playing outside.

Forgiveness didn’t really help my dad. He was the twisted mixed up person he was until he became very ill prior to his death. I often wonder what happened in his life to make him the way he was. Why did he choose to act the way he did?

Forgiveness didn’t come easily either. I don’t believe I totally forgave him until after his death.  I’d also like to mention that as he lay dying of cancer, he did ask me and my siblings for forgiveness.

When I tell people of my past – they often ask if my dad drank. The answer is NO. There was NO substance abuse whatsoever. I only saw my dad drink alcohol about 3 or 4 times in my entire life. He was just a very mixed up person.

Many people tend to link child abuse with substance abuse. Though they often go hand in hand, it does not mean that child abuse does not happen in so called “Good Homes” and it also does not mean that all children that reside with parents with substance abuse are abused.

If you suspect any child id being abused, please notify your local Child Protective Services agency.

I once heard the following definition of forgiveness …

“Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt someone that has hurt you.”

I don’t necessarily believe we have a right to hurt someone that hurts us – but I do like this definition. Why?

So many people will justify the hurtful things they do by saying “They did this first.”

It might sound like a bunch of children playing with each other that get into a skirmish. The sad truth is that in reality a lot of adults act far worse than children.

Wikipedia describes Forgiveness as the mental, emotional and spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment towards a person that has wronged you. It’s ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Holding grudges, devising plans to hurt someone, placing blame and holding onto anger ONLY hurts you. The act of revenge hurts you as well as the other person …

What have you gained? … More anger and hurt that traps you in a vicious cycle.

False Beliefs about Forgiveness:

1. You are pardoning the person for what they did
2. You need to be friends or continue associating with the person
3. You are condoning them for what they did
4. You have to forget the incident

Forgiveness Is:
1. All about YOU – It has nothing to do with the other person
2. Freeing yourself from the internal anguish
3. Accepting the fact that the person did you wrong
4. Putting the wrong doing in the past – Knowing you can’t change what happened
5. Taking control of your feelings by not harboring bad thoughts
6. Redirecting your energy towards happier more positive things
7. A Gift you give to yourself

Whether or not you choose to associate with that person in the future is up to you.

Remember Forgiveness is a Choice

Below are some of my favorite quotes on forgiveness:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”
Thomas S. Szasz