It is necessary to forgive a friend in order to restore a friendship where one friend has offended or wronged the other.

Take the following 9 steps to repair and restore your friendship once you have decided to forgive your friend, or once he decides to forgive you.

1. Write down what occurred and how it made you feel. Clear your thoughts and be detailed. Be fair to yourself and your friend by looking at the situation both perspectives.
2. Determine if both of you need forgiveness — or if only one of you were completely in the wrong.

3. Accept responsibility for your part in the broken relationship.

4. Contact your friend and ask if you can set up a meeting. Choose a neutral setting that won’t drudge up bad memories or make either of you feel trapped and uncomfortable.

5. Explain how what he did or said made you feel and why it bothered you. Tell him you forgive her.

6. Ask for forgiveness if you are the one who did something wrong. Do not make excuses for your actions or words; sincerely apologize for what you did or said.

7. Listen to what your friend has to say with an open mind. Mentally note how your actions and words made her feel to avoid offending her in the future. Clearing the air is the only way to truly make an effort to restore the relationship. Bottled up and unresolved feelings with destroy the friendship.

8. Allow time for healing and rebuilding trust. Even when someone forgives you, he may never forget what happened. Be patient, as future incidents may stir up bad memories.

9. Schedule an outing that both of you will enjoy. For example, go shopping, see a movie or attend a sporting event. Agree not to discuss the incident again.

Your past shapes who you are. The experiences you have throughout your life play an integral part in how you behave and look at the world.

This may not seem like a big deal, but in certain circumstances, it can become a detriment to your success.

Keeping your focus on your past can actually negatively affect things in the future. From your work life to your love life, even your day-to-day things can be affected by an inability to move past negative experiences.

Romance

It’s perfectly normal to feel sad after a breakup, and even spend some time licking your emotional wounds. However, focusing on relationships that are long over is an unhealthy way to live your life.

You can sabotage your future love life by idealizing your ex. This sets up a standard in your mind that no future romantic interests can meet. This robs you of potential opportunities for what could be even greater relationships.

Each romantic relationship, however, has something valuable you can take from it. Allow yourself to learn the lessons that the relationship teaches, then give yourself permission to move on.

Fears

Most fears are caused by prior experiences. People who are afraid of dogs usually had a bad experience with a dog. People who avoid eating certain foods likely had a really bad reaction to that food when they tried it.

While this is a rather indirect way of dwelling on the past, it can close you off to new experiences.

Forgiveness

Grudges can run deep. If a person feels that someone has wronged them, they could be hard pressed to let the person attempt to atone for their mistake.

Anger seems justified in a lot of circumstances. However, forgiveness is a major part of the healing process that can result in a tremendous restoration. People who were once alienated after a falling out can let bygones be bygones and start fresh.

Keep the Past in the Past

After a particularly negative experience, it’s human nature to put some emphasis on it. It’s important to remember that tomorrow is a brand new day. You can choose to start off with a completely blank slate.

Emotional responses are normal and grieving is a necessary process in tragic circumstances, but remaining stuck in that state is the danger. Emotional wounds begin to heal when, after a time of grieving, you move on with your life.

Take time to recover from negative experiences. Get  your complimentary Rapid Coaching session today! However, it’s equally important that you make an effort to let bygones be bygones. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Keep a positive outlook, even after a bad experience. Learn the lesson that the experience offers, file it away in your mind and choose to head in a positive direction.

The past has value, and should not be discarded entirely. But once you’ve learned the lessons from the past and gotten all the benefit it offers, take what you’ve learned and use it to move forward with a positive attitude in the direction of your dreams.

I was knocked to the floor. How could he do this to me while I was grieving my mom? I knew we were having problems, but why was he being so cruel? It was the last thing in the world that I needed or wanted to hear. Out of shock and anger, I replied with some “not so nice” words.

Through all of his faults, Earl was a man of his word. He married for better or for worse, and would never have taken the initial steps towards divorce.

For the next five years we lived together as man and wife – yet so distant. There is NOTHING Lonelier than being in a marriage where you feel unloved, unworthy and unappreciated.

During this period my dad, grandmother, brother and aunt died. In addition, Earls, brother was murdered, his grandmother and grandfather died and his father almost died of pneumonia and lung cancer.

Earl and I kept growing apart, yet I clinged to what was familiar to me. I knew how to act, when to say what and more importantly when and how to avoid his massive outbursts of anger which appeared to get worse every day. I had been with him since I was 16 years old, how in the world could I live without him?  If I left him, my parents were no longer around to help me, who would support me? More importantly, how would I support my children, because Earl constantly threatened to leave the kids and me penniless.

I began doing a lot of self-improvement. I read any and every book I could find including books on how to save my marriage. The more I tried, the farther he drifted. During this time, he said and did some horrendous things.
I finally decided to take the plunge and leave. It was the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I had never been completely on my own; I went from daddy’s house to Earl’s house. I was fortunate that I had the support of a few very good friends who encouraged me, even though I often felt that no one had been through what I was feeling and that no one truly understood. The separation and divorce was as amicable as one can be.

Four days after I left Earl, my son was in a car accident, I called Earl and was horrified at what he did. He came to the hospital, talked to my son for a few minutes and then gave him $20. And said, “Here, maybe your mom will get you something to eat on the way home.” We did not even have all the x-rays back, and did not have any final word on my son’s condition.
For weeks or months, I was fueled with anger at him for the way he treated my son, as well as all the past hurtful things he did. I was further enraged when he told me that getting a demotion at work, hurt him more than me leaving did.

Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks ….. I was allowing Earl to continuously hurt me and control my life because I was holding onto anger of the past. What did Earl care that I was angry? Did it affect his life? Of course, it did not. This anger was eating away at me, making me scream, making me cry, making me think life was unfair and making me want to strangle Earl’s neck. This affected my moods, my actions and feelings about myself.

I decided right then and there to “LET GO” of the anger. To let go of the “What Ifs” the “If Only’s” and the “Why’s”. I just Let everything go and accepted what is. I looked to the opportunities I had. I looked to how I wanted to shape my life. I looked to the newfound freedom I found. I embraced the fact that My Life is My Choice, and that by holding onto the anger was giving my choice away.

Fast-forward 15 years. Both my children are grown, living happy healthy productive lives. I am married to a wonderful man who treats with the utmost respect and love. I have a career that I love! Some of the journey has been rough but it has been worth it. Sign up for your “Life After Divorce” coaching session, and allow me give you the support you need in dealing with the roller-coaster of emotions felt during and after a divorce.

Read Jenna’s story of how she turned her life around after divorce.

Have you ever been hurt so badly that you thought you’d never come out on the other side?

Perhaps you’re still holding onto that grief. If you are, then it’s time to learn how to let go of past pain. You deserve to let it go and learn how to move forward with your life.

Holding onto past pain and anguish is a kind of self-inflicted torture that can cause serious health risks as well as emotional scarring. The truth is, when you cling to the past, you’re internally changing your present.

How can something you’ve kept inside for so long just be let go? It’s not an easy task, but it can be done with a little effort and self-reflection.

Here are some ways you can let go of past pain and disappointment, so you can move forward with your head held high:

1. Know what’s holding you back. What are you holding onto and why? Identify the things you’re keeping inside that you shouldn’t be.

* For example, maybe your best friend betrayed you in a way that broke your trust. Recognize this and figure out a way to finally deal with it. Get in touch with them again, then explain the pain they’ve caused.

* They may not even be aware they did anything to upset you. Whether or not they apologize isn’t important. While it may be nice, you can’t control others or force them to say sorry. However, by simply voicing your feelings, you are finding closure from the hurtful situation.

* Getting closure on something that was left open-ended can make a huge difference in letting things go.

2. Talk it out. If the person who caused the hurt is still in your life, talk to them about the way they made you feel. If that person isn’t available, try to talk to a close friend or professional therapist about the situation.

* Getting your emotions out in the open can help you get over any resentment or anger you may be feeling. Bottling up your emotions is never a good thing. Let it all out in a constructive way and you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel.

3. Forgive and forget. It may sound easier said than done, but forgiving someone who has hurt you can be extremely therapeutic. Strive to let things stay in the past and don’t allow them to affect your present.

* Once you learn to forgive the people who’ve caused your pain, you will find it far easier to heal and move on with your life.

4. Make the first move. You’re in charge of your pain. You’re the one who carries it around with you and you’re the only one who can change its intensity. It’s up to you to take control of the pain and take the first step towards making yourself feel better.

* Acknowledge that your pain is real and that a positive solution exists.

* Confront the cause of the pain and do everything in your power to get rid of it.

The best way to move forward is to forgive the past. If you can’t change the past, you might as well learn to accept it and move on. You’ll be glad you did once you see just how bright your future can be when you regain control of your life.

Make the conscious decision, today, to live your life free from pain and resentment.

“True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.” David Ridge

3 Myths About Forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness means you condone the behavior of the person.
2. Forgiveness means you have to maintain a relationship with the person.
3. Forgiveness means that you forget about the incident.

All of these are absolutely untrue!!!

Forgiveness is releasing your own pain and anger over the past. It’s a choice to live in the present – It’s choosing to let go of whom was right or wrong. Forgiveness gives you the freedom to live your life and not allowing someone else to control it. If you are holding on to the anger and hurt you are allowing the person to continuously hurt you over and over again.

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

If you are finding it difficult to let go and to forgive, you might find the following forgiveness techniques helpful.

Forgiveness Techniques:

Forgiveness Technique 1. Write a letter to the person,explaining your hurts, your anger and your opnion. Let them have it. Then burn the letter or flush it down the toilet while affirming “I choose to forgive your actions and will not allow them to control my life any more.”

Forgiveness Technique 2. Be grateful for all the valuable lessons you have learned from the situation. You could affirm “I am grateful that this situation has happened because it has made me a better person by …(fill in the blank). I now choose to forgive and to concentrate on my life.

Forgiveness Technique 3. Allow yourself to feel. Feel all the hurt, all the pain. Let it out. Cry your heart out over the pain. Once you’re done affirm “I have let go of the hurt and anger that has enslaved me. I now choose to live in the present and to release the past.”

Forgiveness Technique 4. Go somewhere quiet. Close your eyes and imagine the person that hurt you as a small baby and/or a small child. They did nothing but crave love and affection. They ahd a pure heart. They were innocent. They wished no one ill or harm. Affirm to yourself “I choose to forgive … Their hurtful acts were due to their own wounds and had nothing to do with me.”

You also need to remember to forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up mentally for things you might have said or did or for things you wish you would have said or did. Clear out your mind and learn to love and accept yourself just as you are. Meditation is great way to get in tune with your inner self. Forgiving yourself empowers you to create the changes you want in your life by accepting full responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not a “one time fix”. Often times you will need to forgive the person all over again each time you think of the situation. In time the anger and bitterness will be a thing of the past and you can look at the situation with a peaceful heart and truly wish those that hurt you well.

When you fail to forgive, you are actually turning your back on your back on a better future. You do not want to create a future for yourself that is full of anger, hatred and resentment. FORGIVE – Keep your head up and your heart open as you walk forward in your life, creating a future that will lead to love, health and happiness!

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” Hannah Moore

I wanted to share it with you because it represents a different view point of dealing with child abuse ….

Jennifer Wrote:

I was sharing this story over the weekend, and then I saw your post on child abuse, so I thought I’d share.

My mother made me a dress for the senior prom in h.s. I hadn’t been dating anybody, but she was mentally ill. (In this days, you only went to the prom with a date; never alone.) Anyway, no guys asked me to the prom, and to me it was unthinkable to tell her I wasn’t going to the prom, because she’d be furious that she had made that dress. So I asked a guy to go with me, and he said he already had a date. Then I asked another guy, and he was waiting for another girl to say “yes”, but she declined, so he agreed to go with me. Since I did the asking, I had to pay for the tickets. I’ve always been exceedingly careful with money, so it killed me to spend about $100. for the tickets.

The entire event was unpleasant, and I just gritted my teeth and did it so that I would not have to deal with Mom’s wrath. (In addition to “never hearing the end of it” over her slaving over the dress, she would typically call everyone she knew and recount the story and emphasize what a disappointment/loser I was, and how my sister achieved so much in comparison to me.)

I’ve never dwelled on the topic of “forgiveness”. For me, it was easier to analyze her psychiatric history, to understand what made her the freak show that she became. And the answers were all there. So for me, it’s enough to understand that her parents did this to her.

When she died, nobody cried, and we didn’t bother with a funeral, because her kids didn’t like her, and there weren’t any “friends” who would have attended. Life is so much easier now that she’s gone.

CindySense replied:

Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve found that understanding why someone hurts you and forgiving them are two different things. If you have any negative beliefs about yourself due to things your mother did, then forgiving her is the first step to healing yourself and being all that God intends you to be.

If you just accept that it was, then it sounds like you have forgiven her for the hurtful things.

Many people such as myself had (or may currently have) this love / hate relationship with a parent that abused them. This causes them to have negative issues about themselves – thinking they are unlovable. This is where forgiveness is needed.

If you don’t mind, I’d love to share your story …

Jennifer Wrote:
Cindy — Yes, you may share the story.

Unlike many people with an abusive parent, my mother didn’t have a “good side” which we could fondly reminisce over. Her spaghetti sauce was good. There isn’t much else I can cite.

A big turning point for my brother (God bless the boys of such parents!) was reading the book “Understanding the Borderline Mother”. My mother was the witch/waif personality type of borderline personality disorder. She married an autistic man who could earn a paycheck, so that she’d be taken care of financially, but also so that she could be in charge. (In those days, women desperately focused on finding a husband at an early age.) Someday someone will write a book about my family and sell many copies.

CindySense Conclusion:

The BIG lesson here is that when you forgive someone, it’s for you – not for the other person.  When you forgive your parents or others that may have abused you when you are a child – You are letting go of the pain, the guilt, the shame and all the other negative emotions that you have been holding onto throughout your life.

If your not battling demons of the past, you’ve already let go, and forgiveness isn’t necessary for you to heal.

Many of us have overcame obstacles that would be best sellers and great movies … Why?  Because people love hearing about how others overcame situations similar to the ones they are facing or have faced.  Don’t be afraid to share your story – You never know who may benefit from it.

It always strikes me as somewhat odd, the way people will ask me how I forgave my father for all the harm he caused me. They don’t realize that forgiveness benefits me. It gives me the freedom to live my life the way I choose and not be chained down by the past child abuse I suffered.

Forgiveness has always come natural to me. I’ve always said that God gave me the gift of forgiveness so I would be able to share my stories and help others in need.

Another thing people don’t realize is that forgiveness isn’t needed for all aspects of my father’s personality.

I loved my dad. He spoiled me, took care of me, and always signed his name “Your Bear of a Father”. This was the father that needed NO forgiveness. He always had my best interest at heart. He was the one that always introduced me as “His Baby Girl”.

(Yup, thats My Dad in 1974. Look at that happy smiling friendly face … Who would have ever thought … that a monster hid underneath?)

Then there was this opposite side of my dad. This is the one that needed forgiveness. He was not a nice person. He called us names, and beat us. My brother Mike seemed to get the worst of the deal. There is a scapegoat in every family and Mike was it.

This isn’t to say that I was home free, I’ll never forget one night when I was 14, I wasn’t feeling good and was telling my mom I didn’t feel well enough to do the dishes. My dad came barging into the room and slapped me across the face so hard, that I went flying over the coffee table.

I managed to get up, in a tremendous amount of pain, went into the kitchen and began doing the dishes as I was crying. My mom walked in and asked me how hurt I was. I told her. She then told dad, to take me to the emergency room.

I’ll never forget the ride to the hospital. My dad stressed to me “Do not tell the doctor I hit you!” This was in 1974 when child abuse was not talked about. To me it was a normal way of life and I never would have thought of telling anyone.

It wound up that I had broken quite a few ribs. Good girl that I was, I said that I fell while playing outside.

Forgiveness didn’t really help my dad. He was the twisted mixed up person he was until he became very ill prior to his death. I often wonder what happened in his life to make him the way he was. Why did he choose to act the way he did?

Forgiveness didn’t come easily either. I don’t believe I totally forgave him until after his death.  I’d also like to mention that as he lay dying of cancer, he did ask me and my siblings for forgiveness.

When I tell people of my past – they often ask if my dad drank. The answer is NO. There was NO substance abuse whatsoever. I only saw my dad drink alcohol about 3 or 4 times in my entire life. He was just a very mixed up person.

Many people tend to link child abuse with substance abuse. Though they often go hand in hand, it does not mean that child abuse does not happen in so called “Good Homes” and it also does not mean that all children that reside with parents with substance abuse are abused.

If you suspect any child id being abused, please notify your local Child Protective Services agency.

“Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt someone that has hurt you.”

I don’t necessarily believe we have a right to hurt someone that hurts us – but I do like this definition. Why?

So many people will justify the hurtful things they do by saying “They did this first.”

It might sound like a bunch of children playing with each other that get into a skirmish. The sad truth is that in reality a lot of adults act far worse than children.

Wikipedia describes Forgiveness as the mental, emotional and spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment towards a person that has wronged you. It’s ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Holding grudges, devising plans to hurt someone, placing blame and holding onto anger ONLY hurts you. The act of revenge hurts you as well as the other person …

What have you gained? … More anger and hurt that traps you in a vicious cycle.

False Beliefs about Forgiveness:

1. You are pardoning the person for what they did
2. You need to be friends or continue associating with the person
3. You are condoning them for what they did
4. You have to forget the incident

Forgiveness Is:
1. All about YOU – It has nothing to do with the other person
2. Freeing yourself from the internal anguish
3. Accepting the fact that the person did you wrong
4. Putting the wrong doing in the past – Knowing you can’t change what happened
5. Taking control of your feelings by not harboring bad thoughts
6. Redirecting your energy towards happier more positive things
7. A Gift you give to yourself

Whether or not you choose to associate with that person in the future is up to you.

Remember Forgiveness is a Choice

Below are some of my favorite quotes on forgiveness:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”
Thomas S. Szasz